Not an essay

As a fiction writer, an important idea to remember is that you are writing just that—fiction—and not an essay for school. Maybe you remember writing those essays, where you had to have key points and use explicit words to show each point, leading the reader through your argument. Words such as first, next, finally, then, before, after.

But when it comes to fiction, readers don’t need to be led through the story with the explicit use of these words. Most readers are experienced and understand the story is told in the order of events as they happen. (Even flashbacks are made clear through typesetting—such as italics—or other introduction.) Words like next and before get in the way of readers’ expectations and can actually make some readers feel patronized.

Take this passage for example from Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo:

Inej raised her hood. She pulled herself onto the railing and leapt soundlessly to the neighboring balcony, then the next, tracking Kaz and the others around the square, staying as close as she could. His dark coat rippled in the salt breeze, his limp more pronounced tonight, as it always was when the weather turned cold. She could hear Jesper keeping up a lively stream of conversation, and Big Bolliger’s low, rumbling chuckle.

Now imagine if it had been written something like the following:

First, Inej raised her hood. Next, she pulled herself onto the railing before leaping soundlessly to the neighboring balcony, then the next, tracking Kaz and the others around the square, staying as close as she could. Then, his dark coat rippled in the salt breeze, his limp more pronounced tonight, as it always was when the weather turned cold. Finally, she could hear Jesper keeping up a lively stream of conversation, and Big Bolliger’s low, rumbling chuckle.

Yuck! The reader doesn’t need those words to know the order of events in this passage. And those words just get in the way of the story, perhaps even taking the reader out of the story instead of having them follow along with Inej’s movements and observations.

Notice the original passage does have the words then and next in it (“then the next”). In this case, next is not being used as an explicit chronology word, but rather to describe that she leaps to the next balcony. And an occasional then depending on context is okay. The way I’ve used then in the “revised” passage as unnecessary explicit chronology is what you want to avoid.

Side Note: That being said, then is not a conjunction. The conjunctions are and, but, or, for, so, nor, yet. The sentence should be “She grabbed a donut and ate it” not “She grabbed a donut then ate it.”

Using Before

It’s not often that I see authors using words like first, next, finally in the manuscripts I edit. But the word before is one that comes up quite a bit, so I wanted to single it out in this post. I used it in the example above:

Original version: She pulled herself onto the railing and leapt soundlessly to the neighboring balcony…

My version: She pulled herself onto the railing before leaping soundlessly to the neighboring balcony…

The before in my version of the sentence isn’t needed. The reader completely understands, without using that word, that first Inej pulls herself onto the railing and then she makes the leap. But using the before rather than the simple and to join two actions does actually change the sentence. It makes the pulling upon onto the railing the main action and the leaping the secondary action. In this instance, the two actions are equal. Joining them with an and makes that clear.

Let’s look at some other examples.

She rose gracefully to her feet, and he stumbled back a half step. (from Serpent & Dove by Shelby Mahurin)

That sentence describes the action nicely and readers understand what happens and the order of events. What if it had been written this way:

She rose gracefully to her feet before he stumbled back a half step.

The originally sentence with the and makes the action clear and the reader moves onto the next sentence, completely understanding (and immersed in) the scene. With this before sentence, the reader might stumble and have to reread the sentence or pause before moving onto the next sentence. That’s not what you want your reader to do!

How about this one?

The train disappeared around a corner, and Linus Baker realized he was completely alone. (from The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune)

What if this sentence was written with before?

The train disappeared around a corner before Linus Baker realized he was completely alone.

The before subordinates the clause after it. That means the realization Linus has is not as important as the train disappearing. And I don’t think you need to have read this book to realize that emphasis is not accurate to the story. (And if you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it.)

Try this out in your own writing. Do a search for before and revise the sentences to use a simple and instead. Your readers will thank you for it.